I chuckled at the funny story my friend told me, a story of being in a new situation and saying something that unintentionally garnered laughter at her expense.
My friend told me this story for a laugh, but then she admitted she wasn’t ready to laugh at it yet herself. I could relate.
In fact, I don’t think I’m ever ready to laugh at an embarrassing story about myself, even years afterward. I can’t laugh at myself when it happens, and I can’t laugh at myself later. Because my own embarrassment is far too serious.
Embarrassment is something I’ll go far out of my way to avoid. Embarrassment is something I fear.
As a diligent Fear Warrior, once I realized I fear embarrassment and let that fear dictate many decisions, I spent some time diagnosing why I fear embarrassment—the root cause of that fear.
The answer wasn’t pretty, but not surprising. Pride and perfectionism form the double-trouble duo at the root of this fear for me. Others who share my fear of embarrassment may have only one of these roots, or perhaps a different root, causing the fear.
My pride means I can’t afford to have others look down on me or have a low opinion of me. My pride means I want to be perceived highly by others, and that perception would be damaged if I do something that causes me embarrassment. Embarrassment would mean I’m open to ridicule and laughter, and that high opinion I want others to have of me could be lost. I could be seen as inferior to them.
My perfectionism adds an even more personal edge to embarrassment. I demand perfection from myself, so if I incur embarrassment, that means I’ve failed to be perfect in some way. If others notice, bringing about the embarrassment, their laughter or remarks will shoot right to my heart and crack my fragile psyche, making me feel like a failure inside and out.
I’ve known for a while that pride and perfectionism are at the root of my fear of embarrassment. And I’ve known this fear keeps me from trying new things I want to try and from repeating activities I’ve proven less than skilled at. But I haven’t yet been able to get from that first step of identifying this fear’s root to the next stages of attacking and conquering the fear.
Realizing I need expert help, I approached another close friend whom I’ve known for years. I’ve noticed she doesn’t fear embarrassment and can genuinely laugh at herself, even with others who are laughing at her expense (all in good-natured fun, of course).
She also, though it’s hard for me to believe, enjoys doing activities she isn’t good at and isn’t afraid to try new things, never fearing her inadequacy or “mistakes” might embarrass her in front of others.
In talking to this friend, I gleaned three helpful principles those of us with embarrassment phobia can apply to not only defeat the fear but end embarrassment itself.
3 TIPS TO BEAT YOUR FEAR OF EMBARRASSMENT
1. REDEFINE THE PURPOSE
Don’t measure the worth of doing something by level of skill or perfection. The value of doing anything, even if it’s new or you’re unskilled at it, should be in the doing itself.
I’ve long told people I don’t enjoy doing things I’m not good at. To me, that makes logical sense. How can a person have fun doing something they’re bad at? And if you’re not good at something, why do it?
My friend’s experience with golf shatters this logic. She admits she was bad at golf and could never get a good score.
Yet, she says she actually enjoyed playing golf. So much so that she would initiate golf outings with friends. She had no fear of embarrassing herself in front of those friends she invited to golf with her, though she knew she wouldn’t play as well as them.
My friend found purpose in playing golf simply for the experience of walking in nature, time spent with friends, and challenging herself. She found purpose in the experience.
As Christians, we can always find purpose in the experience if we’re doing everything for the glory of God. If you can check off that box, then you will be successful, whether you fall on your face, say something laughable, or look like an incompetent fool to a watching world.
What you do is worth doing because you are glorifying God.
2. AIM FOR THE CENTER
I’m not the center of the universe; Jesus is.
A wise person recently said that to me, and that belief is at the root of my friend’s embarrassment-proof attitude.
When I asked her why she didn’t mind doing poorly at something and why she didn’t care if others saw it—why she didn’t fear that embarrassment—her answer revealed a radical viewpoint compared to mine.
She said simply, no one can be good at everything. She went on to say she knew she was gifted in many things, so it didn’t bother her to do things she wasn’t gifted for.
She’s stating a truth I should already know. Jesus has gifted everyone, some with one kind of ability, and others with different abilities. He’s gifted my friend with some aptitudes, and she’s thankful for those. Why be greedy and want someone else’s gifts, too?
I’d never thought of the comparison game and competition with others in those terms before. She’s right, no one is good at everything. And we’re good at what we are because of God, not ourselves.
Excelling at something says nothing about me. Excelling says everything about Christ.
Jesus is at the center of why we’re skilled and what we are skilled at, and He’s at the center of why we are unskilled at other things. I don’t want to second-guess His purpose and decisions.
Jesus is at the center of the universe in the larger sense, beyond our giftedness, too. Everything that happens, including things I think of as embarrassing, are about Him, not me. They’re part of His plan, and He will use them, even if that means redeeming my poor choices and sinful mistakes.
He will redeem my “embarrassment,” as well, not because I am the center of the universe, but because He is.
3. CATCH THE JOY
You must let go of your fear to catch the joy.
My friend who can laugh at herself gets to laugh a lot more often than I do. She can also enjoy more activities than I can because she knows how to find joy in them even when she isn’t “perfect.”
She doesn’t have the fear of looking foolish or incompetent overshadowing what she does or making her avoid trying new things.
I’ve often wished I could be like that and wistfully resigned myself to the fate of being the way I am. But that’s just another excuse to take the easy way out, an excuse to fall back in retreat from my fear.
The fact is, I can be like that. I can determine to embrace the opportunities for joy God has given me, those chances to laugh and enjoy that I’ve rejected when I choose fear instead.
Letting go of the fear and exchanging truth for fear’s lies will take practice and more power than I have. I can’t do it on my own. But God can.
I need to ask God to help me catch the joy wherever I can. He’s sending joy at me from all directions, but I’m letting it pass by because of my fear.
He’s sending that joy your way, too.
If we drop the fear of embarrassment we’re holding in our hands, then we’ll have room to grab that joy.
…in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. – Psalm 16:11b
All three of these tips have one result in common – they don’t just eliminate the fear of embarrassment, they eliminate embarrassment itself.
If we find success and worth in doing anything, no matter how well we do it, if we know Jesus is the Reason for giftedness and Redeemer and Center of all, if we are ready to catch every opportunity for joy God sends our way, then we won’t even be embarrassed when we say the “wrong” thing or look less than perfect to ourselves or someone else.
Embarrassment and the fear of it will slip through our fingers as we grasp the joy our Savior puts in our hands.
Do you fear embarrassment? Have you been able to fight or defeat that fear? Please share!
Comments 6
I have a phrase I tell people when I “fail” at something… “I can’t be excellent at everything.” I say it with a smile and to prove the same point made here. Created in the image of God, we are all gifted at things. Some of us more than others, but all by His design. My pithy statement says, “I am really good at a lot of things but it’s perfectly okay if technology (for example) is not one of them. I leave that expertise to others who just might not be good at the things I am.” Thanks for tackling this sensitive subject and shedding God’s light on it.
Author
What a great response to ward off embarrassment, Mary! It’s a great truth–a reminder to be grateful and content with what we have. Thanks for joining the conversation today!
Also, if you aren’t good at something, you will never improve if you don’t keep trying to do your best! No matter how good at anything someone is today, they had to start at a much lower level. Anything you desire to do must start at the beginning, learning and improving as you go.
Author
Great point, Greg! And everyone, even the experts at something, had to start at that lower level. You’re right, if we want to get good at something, we have to be willing to start at the beginning. Thanks for joining the conversation!
I get embarrassed pretty easily, too, but just this week, someone asked me this week if I had participated in any high school sports. I said “Yes, I did gymnastics. I wasn’t very good, but I sure loved it.” (The truth is, I wasn’t good at all. Ha!) Looking back, I guess I’d enjoyed it too much to worry about my skill level–out of character for me. It’s helpful to look back and find an example like that to help me apply the tips here. I did it once before. Surely, I can let go of embarrassment and catch joy in other areas, too! 🙂 Great post!
Author
Wow, that’s awesome you were able to do that and still say you loved it! I’m impressed! 🙂 Yes, that would be helpful to have an example of that in your own life. I think my fear of embarrassment started so young, I have a hard time finding an example. But I’m inspired by yours and others! Thanks for reading and leaving a comment. 🙂