Unlovable Me: How to Find Rest from Failure and Fear

Jerusha: I’m excited to have my filmmaker friend, Evan Atwood, visit us today! Please join me in giving him a big FW community welcome and be sure to read after the post about how you can be involved in his latest film project!

By Evan Atwood

“You’re a failure.”

It’s true. I am…

“You might as well sin all the more now. Your heart has already disappointed him…He’ll never love you the same way.”

Then I catch it: the lie.

I don’t want this train of thought in the first place. This conversation’s been poisoned. I step away, spitting out the lie that’s just been fed to me.

And then I set my mind on the Holy Spirit: Thank you, Lord, that I’m your child. Thank you that I am loved.

I’ve found myself believing the lie once again, the lie that God doesn’t love me anymore, because of what I’ve done. Thank you that you are faithful and just to forgive my sins, and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness.

No matter how I feel, God’s Word says that God’s love is unchanging, faithful. This is the love with which God the Father chose to give up His only Son, so that we could become His children.

Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! – 1 John 3:1a

Still, I am not worthy of being loved. The sin in my heart runs deep, and it comes out in thoughts, in words, and in actions. After all the time I’ve spent meditating on God, and His Word, in church, singing praise songs, praying for a new heart, I can’t still be this bad.

But I am.

And the question arises again: Does He really love me, even now?

A chill creeps over me. Because I failed again.

I can’t believe I spoke with such arrogance to that old family friend. I can’t believe I said nothing when my co-worker was being harassed like that.

Now what will God think of me? Will He love me less, given all these imperfections?

Studies show it takes twenty-one days for a new habit to form, and that the same applies to a belief in relation to oneself. Today’s words are tomorrow’s thoughts, and so I repeat, “I am a child of God. I am loved.” I repeat the phrases, every morning, sometimes feeling their impact, sometimes not.

What do I do while the habit forms, while the belief sets in that these words are true? What about in the meantime when the fears come rushing in? This love will pass with the feeling. You’ll really fail eventually, and then God will decide you’re not worthy of love.

There are moments of fatigue that feel so dark.

But there is a great joy in battling that darkness with the Sword of the Spirit, the Word of God. Sometimes my mind is tired, and I turn to a worship song. I pull out the guitar, and I sing. Or if I can’t get to a guitar, I sing any hymn that comes to mind.

And while the skirmish can be exhausting, and at times yield only invisible fruit, the battle will yield fruit.

Jesus said, “Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me” (John 15:4). If you battle through the night, and the outcome feels fruitless, know that if you have put your trust in Jesus Christ for the victory, you have already won. Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ (Romans 8:38-39).

So why do we settle for a state of fear when Christ has died so that we could live, and live more abundantly? (John 10:10) The love of Christ has conquered death, so why let fear manipulate our choices? Even death has been overcome!

Fear can cripple our minds, so that we cannot love others well, or use our imaginations for good. When we allow fear to hang around, like a guest crashing on the couch, eating at the table, or driving with us in the car, we are passively inviting fear to stay the night, spend the weekend, or move in permanently. This is our choice, to leave the Father and to join with fear instead.

There is good news for us, however, because the arms of the Father are open wide. He will faithfully forgive our arrogance and our lack of faith in His perfect love (1 John 1:9). If we will only run home to Him, leaving all fears behind, He will see us from a long way off and come running to meet us (Luke 15:20).

Try as I may, I fail to prove myself worthy of God’s love. And the fear of rejection hovers overhead.

But slowly, I am learning that He does not ask me to prove myself worthy. What he asks of me is to put on Christ, the only One who is worthy (Romans 13:14).

And so rather than try to present myself falsely in any way before the God who knows the deepest places of my heart, I am learning – ever so slowly – to simply run to Him (James 4:8). It is then, and only then, time and time again, that the fear fully fades. And the peace of God sets in.

You see, God never loved me because of what I’ve done. He has always loved me because I am His child. Because He is love.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. – 1 John 4:18

Do you sometimes doubt God’s love for you? How do you fight the fear of failure? Please share!

---

Evan Atwood is an award-winning filmmaker and screenwriter, who lives in Milwaukee, WI and works as a photojournalist to pay the bills.

He has written, produced, and directed the short “parabolic” (of, relating to, or involving a parable) films “Forgiven,” and “The Neighbor,” which have both won awards for excellence.

Evan is currently developing his first feature film, The Father. Connect with Evan and learn more about this film at the official Father film Facebook page.

You can help Evan make his next project, The Father! Watch the concept trailer below to find out more (and then follow this link if you want to support this work: igg.me/at/thefatherfilm).