The fluttering in my stomach increased as I stepped out of my car and headed for the house. This wasn’t a crucial meeting. I wouldn’t have to speak in front of a large crowd. But I still felt nervous.
The cause of my anxiety was a gathering of young people from my church. The couple who were hosting the get-together were new to our church and many of the people they’d invited were also people I didn’t know well.
It was enough that it was a social gathering with people I didn’t know, and there were more than two of them. Enough, I mean, to cause my nerves—also known as social anxiety.
Many people suffer from social anxiety, some at the mild level I have and others less or more. The conditions that prompt social anxiety can be different for each individual—some might have the nerves conjured by interacting with only one person while others may find that big groups or unfamiliar settings are their triggers.
Whatever the trigger or degree of symptoms, social anxiety can hold us back, make us uncomfortable, and deter us from pursuing relationships as God calls us to.
We don’t need to tolerate social anxiety in our lives. We can be free of it, just as we can fight to be free of our other fears. The next time you’re headed for a situation that gives you social anxiety, try these six tips to banish the fear in S-O-C-I-A-L:
1. So Long, Self
When I head into situations like the one I describe above, I’ve sometimes asked myself (yes, I’m that weird person who talks to herself), “Why am I nervous? There’s nothing to be nervous about!”
The answer is simple enough, but not easy to swallow. Above all, I’m nervous because I’m afraid of how I’ll look to others. I want whoever I’m about to interact with to see me in a positive light, so I fear saying the wrong thing, appearing unintelligent or off-putting, etc.
Notice something? These possibilities that scare me are all about ME. They’re all about my pride not wanting to be damaged. They’re all about me getting something positive out of the social interaction.
But because I’m a follower of Christ, my social interactions aren’t about me. They’re about glorifying God and showing Christ to everyone I talk to. My social encounters should be all about serving others and sharing Christ’s love with them in any way I can.
We need to leave our “selves” at home when we head out the door for a social interaction. Instead of asking ourselves, “Why am I nervous?”, we should ask Jesus, “How can I be You to the people I’m about to see?”
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. – Philippians 2:3
2. Outward
You’ve stopped focusing on yourself, but now what do you think about? Focus outward, on those around you.
Intentionally think of ways you can benefit others during this social situation. How can you make a positive difference in the day of the people you’ll talk to? How can you make the other person glad they came?
If there will be non-Christians in the social setting, how can you witness to them through word or deed? If you will interact with fellow believers, how can you build them up in their walk with Christ?
We can make even life-changing differences through social interactions if we focus outward on others and their needs instead of obsessing over our own.
*Secret benefit: As you focus on figuring out ways to positively impact other people at the social setting, you will forget about yourself and your fears will fade.
3. Compassion
One of your best weapons against social anxiety is to enter every social interaction armed with compassion.
As you’re headed to the interaction or when you’re in the midst of it, deeply consider the person or people you’re about to talk to. What is their life or situation like? What challenges are they going through? What do they need to hear most right now?
Be a good and compassionate listener, really hearing what people say and making every effort to understand where they are coming from. Imagine what being in their shoes would feel like, especially if you thought as they do.
*Secret benefit: Everyone loves a compassionate person. If you respond with genuine compassion to everyone, you’ll end up making that positive impression you’d hoped for anyway!
4. Interaction
I know, interaction is what stresses us in social situations. But interacting with others in relationships is exactly what God wants us to do. He created us to be in relationship, with Him and with other people.
Attending a social function just to sit in closed-off silence is not okay (though some of us may desire to do just that). Instead, ask God to show you who He wants you to interact with, if there’s more than one person at the gathering. If there’s only one person, ask God to show you how to interact with that individual in the way they need.
If you’re in a group setting, try looking for the person who may be feeling as you are. They may appear quiet or reluctant and get left out as a result. Make your aim to help others enjoy themselves and be encouraged. You can accomplish that goal simply by interacting with people in a positive way.
Your interaction can be small—just a compliment or basic small talk. But if you approach the interaction armed with compassion and a positive attitude, only good will come from it.
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. – Philippians 2:4
5. Attitude
Those of us with social anxiety tend to dread social interactions. This is true whether or you are an introvert or extrovert (yes, even extroverts can have social anxiety). We don’t generally enjoy things that make us nervous and uncomfortable, so disliking such scenarios is understandable.
But if we can flip our attitude, anxiety won’t stand a chance. Instead of looking ahead to the social interaction with dread, pondering everything that could go wrong or why you don’t want to go, focus instead on the positives.
Think of why God put you in this situation. Every scenario God places us in is an opportunity and a blessing. What does He want you to do with it?
Focus on this: God has chosen you to enter into this social interaction for a reason! Only YOU can do what needs to be done, through Christ in you. What a privilege to be the Lord’s chosen to interact with someone at the perfect moment. We don’t know what that will look like or what the Lord’s purpose is, but as long as we do our best to glorify Him (not ourselves) in the interaction, we will be a success.
*Secret Benefit: Nearly everyone loves people with positive attitudes. If you have a genuine smile on your face and speak positively, you’ll be as well-liked as you’d hoped!
Do all things without grumbling or disputing – Philippians 2:14
6. Let It Go
This one is tricky for me, since I’m a perfectionist who reviews every millisecond of social interactions after they’re over, usually picking out everything I did wrong. But that self-criticism and pile of regrets I know I’ll have to face after social situations contributes to my dread going into them.
We need to remember that God not only chose us for this moment, but He’s also in full control of every one of those milliseconds I compulsively critique. Even if something embarrassing happens, even if you say something wrong or something you shouldn’t have said, even if you don’t say something you should have said—whether we look like fools because we’re standing for Christ or we look like fools because we fail to stand for Him—God will ultimately use all of those “even if’s” for good.
He isn’t surprised when we say something or don’t say something. He isn’t surprised when we act stupidly trying to impress someone. He isn’t surprised when we give in to our social fears and let them control us.
That doesn’t mean any of those actions are right, but what it does mean is that we have no reason to fear any social situation. Because we have a promise from God our Father that even our worst imagined social scenario coming true is part of His plan and will ultimately be used for good (Rom. 8:28).
Even if I am to be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. Likewise you also should be glad and rejoice with me. – Philippians 2:17-18
Do you have social anxiety? Have you found ways to battle or defeat it? Please share!
