Jerusha: I’m pleased to introduce you to Petra Creasy, my online friend and fellow writer. Let’s give Petra a big FW community welcome!
By Petra Creasy
I have been hurt—a lot. I’m not saying that to get sympathy, it’s just a matter of fact.
I was in a marriage where my fears were mocked. My hurts were evidence that I was crazy. My insecurities were ridiculed. These behaviors were a part of my everyday life.
I finally broke free of the man that was inflicting this abuse on me, but these hurts, fears, and insecurities only grew stronger. Some of the fears and insecurities had even increased. I was very low. Depressed. A state in which I realize many women (and some men) have been.
Here’s what I did:
- I jumped into another relationship.
- I went out and got a full-time job.
- I went out and got a new wardrobe to look more professional.
- I stopped going to church.
Yeah, you see a pattern, don’t you? Well, unfortunately, I didn’t. I was still completely broken inside and blinded to these “outward” manifestations. Because here is what happened:
- I tried to control the relationship from beginning to end. I decided what we were going to do, when we were going to do them.
- The work position I was in gave me the ability to be the boss, in my words, be bossy. I advised people how to be “their best” and do their jobs, whether they were voluntary or not.
- For the first time, I wore the types of clothing that I wanted to wear. I didn’t have to ask for money or advice.
- The people I had called friends were no longer friendly, so I avoided them. Besides, they were not offering anything of value anymore.
I know, I know, I can hear your reactions already. But you must understand that my responses were born out of self-preservation. My fears caused me to trust no one. I had to do everything on my own. No one understood my pain, my hurts.
So, did I learn and change? Well, somewhat. But I am still learning, to be honest. Recently I think I finally understand the reasons for doing what I did. You see, it’s all about trust.
All of those things I struggled with were born out of the fact that I could trust no one. The only one I could rely on was myself. Of course as a believer, I know I should ALWAYS rely on God, but I was in a bad state. You see, in a way, I blamed God for all of it. I blamed Him for every fear, every insecurity, and mostly for putting an abusive man in my life to begin with.
It has been about six years, and I am still struggling.
You see, it is all about something that I just learned. It’s all about trust.
Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? Just trust God. Yeah, well, when you have blamed Him for certain things, it is not easy. So my first order of business was to “own” my issues. God never “made me” do anything. And here is what I had/have to do:
- Realize that God may have had me marry that man for a reason—HIS reason.
- Realize that my way of solving problems just leads to more problems.
- Own that my pains, insecurities, and hurts are real.
- Understand that people in this world will always fail me.
- See that the Lord created me, and He loves me no matter what!
- And finally, resign myself to the fact that HE ALONE is trustworthy and I NEVER have to fear with Him by my side.
So what now?
Well, I thank Him for the fact that:
- He loves me. You are precious in my sight….and I love you. – Isaiah 43:4
- That He created me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. – Psalm 139:14
- That every fear and insecurity I have is an opportunity for Him to show Himself trustworthy. …for power is perfected in weakness. – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
- That He will never leave me or forsake me. I am with you, even to the end of this age. – Matthew 28:20, I will not fail you or forsake you. – Joshua 1:5
- And most importantly (right now), He will never mock or ridicule me EVER! He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3, The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18
In order to calm my fears, I need to learn how to trust the ONLY ONE who is totally trustworthy. The moment I displace that trust, I begin to fear once more and I fall into the trap of self-destruction.
Please tell me I am not the only one with this problem! How are you getting past the wounds and fears you have in your own life? Please share!
Petra Creasy has known the Lord for as long as she can recall, being raised in a loving, Christian home. Her love for reading and writing came before she entered Kindergarten and grew throughout the years.
During the last thirty years, Petra has raised a family, watched it fall apart, and then learned how the Lord would use her life to support and encourage others through her writing.
She currently resides in Kentucky with her husband and bonus teen-aged son, and is pursuing her freelance editing job as well as writing.
Petra blogs at her website, PetrasPen.com. You can also find Petra on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Comments 14
Thank you, Petra, for sharing your story and struggles with such honesty! My primary love language is “words of affirmation,” so my heart goes out to you when I imagine what you must have suffered in such a verbally abusive relationship. One of the things I love about our God is that He doles out in abundance loving, caring words in Scripture, including those that comfort and bolster us in the face of our fears. Like you pointed out, He will NEVER speak evil to us, which is such a wonderful thought! I love all the passages of Scripture you included in your post, and it’s such a great reminder to not look to ourselves, but to turn to His Word for strength to fight our fears.
Thank you, MJ, for your kindness. I am so thankful that our Lord has a way of using our pain and turning it into something of beauty that He alone can use. I am looking forward to the day when I can have no recollections of my past pain, but at the same time I hope I never forget. They are what keep my eyes focused on the Lord!
Petra
Author
Thanks for highlighting that point for me, MJ! You’re right, the reality that God will never speak evil to us is amazing and wonderful! Thanks for taking the time to speak good on the FW blog! 🙂
The first 4 verses in Isaiah 43 are my go-to scriptures when I’m in a bad place. As I’ve gotten older and into the Bible more, I’ve come to understand that it is true–God never leaves us nor forsakes us. And even then, trust doesn’t come easily. Thanks for the encouraging words.
Thank you, Patricia for your words of affirmation in the Word. I will look up those verses and think on you – the one who shared them. God is so gracious to give us fellow believers to lift one another in times of difficulty.
Blessings,
Petra
Author
Pat, I love that you’re so steeped in Scripture that you have go-to verses when you’re going through tough times. Definitely the best way to face and battle fear! Thanks for joining the conversation, Pat!
This was a beautiful article. Thank you so much for your confession and sharing your journey. I have seen the echoes of this in the lives of many women I know and I’ll be hanging on this article to pass on to them as they struggle past blaming God.
Thank you so much, Helene! I am so thankful that the Lord can use my scars to help and encourage others. If you want to contact me, feel free. I have older blogs that I wrote right after those dark times where I was just beginning to understand the Lord’s work in my life.
Author
What a great idea, Helene, to share Petra’s post with other women in similar situations. Thanks for commenting and sharing!
I love the way you have listened to God’s Word and shared it with us. He is truly trustworthy. Thanks for your article.
Author
Amen, Anne! Thanks for joining the conversation!
Anne, Thank you so much. Yes, our Lord is the only trustworthy One and I am so thankful to be in the palm of His hands in the dark days.
As a man who suffers through many of the same fears and insecurities. I was so fortunate to marry a kind loving woman. I do still struggled and build block walls to keep people out. I am so thankful that when I get home I am secure what the help of God and my wife.
Anonymous, I am so glad that you responded. I know that women are not the only ones who suffer, and it warms my heart to know that you are allowing the Lord to help heal your wounds through your wife.
That is one of the things that led me to marry my husband – to know that I can feel secure when I walk through the door.
Isn’t the Lord wonderful in giving us spouses who will be His hands and feet in our lives?