Out of Sight: How Finding Focus Can Beat Your Fears

Jerusha: I’m so pleased to welcome my friend and fellow writer, Robyn Hook, back to the FW Blog! I love how Robyn shares so honestly about her own struggles with fears we can all relate to. Please join me in giving her a big, FW community welcome!

By Robyn Hook

The nurse removed her gloves and smiled down at me. “You’re at a two. Did the contractions just start?”

“I’ve been having these since church was over.” I had sat in my gazebo all afternoon timing the irregular contractions, thinking how sweet it would be to have a baby on Mother’s Day.

“We’ll wait and see if you’re really in labor before we call the doctor.”

“I’m sure. I’m in labor.” I looked to my husband.

“You know this is a VBAC, right?” My husband asked.

“Right.” My previous incision could rip open and I could die on the table. My other doctor had hooked me up to monitors at every appointment. “Where are the monitors?”

“VBAC’s are no problem. Is this your first labor?” The nurse glanced down at her clipboard as though searching for the answer. Though, I suspected she already knew and intended to point out I didn’t know what to expect.

Due to my first child being breach, I’d had a scheduled C-section bypassing labor.

Oh, God, she’s right. I have no idea what I’m doing.

And this hospital was much smaller hospital than the one where I delivered my first baby. My heart beat faster. I never should have changed doctors at the last minute. What had I been thinking? Nobody did that.

Another contraction seized me, and I gripped the side-rail while pain racked my middle. A cry escaped from deep inside. It had been so important to me to have a vaginal labor. But the OBGYN I trusted wouldn’t allow it.

“Insurance,” she’d said. “Can’t do procedures my insurance doesn’t cover.” Then she’d laughed. “I guess you could go somewhere else. Though there’s not another hospital that allows it in this area that I would trust.”

How could I dismiss her warning? God had blessed me with an awesome doctor who had walked me through miscarriages and a successful birth. And I’d rejected the blessing. I’d found someone who would allow the VBAC I wanted. Doing things my way hardly ever worked out. I’d put my trust in this new doctor after meeting him once, and he wasn’t even the one on call.

And this hospital didn’t even recognize a woman in labor!

“I’ll come back in a half hour and check you again.” She smiled as though she doubted I were in as much pain as I thought. Then left.

I’d been told they’d walk me through labor. Coach me on breathing. Offer individual attention. Was there even anyone else here? The quiet, dark hall mocked me.

I squeezed my husband’s hand. “I’m in labor.”

“I know.” He looked scared.

Another contraction hit hard. I tried to pray, but I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t concentrate. Another pressed hard.

“Is that the same one?” David picked up the timer the nurse had given him.

I shut my eyes. I couldn’t rise above the pain. I couldn’t focus on anything but the contractions racking my body. Pray. Pray. “Oh, God.” I couldn’t finish my plea. I couldn’t connect.

God felt distant and far away. I couldn’t feel anything but the pain.

Thirty minutes later, the nurse returned and checked me again. Her smug smile dissipated. “You’re at a 10. I need to call the doctor.” She dashed from the room.

Were there no other doctors in this hospital? I turned on my side. “When I tell you. You’re going to hold my leg up.”

“What?” My husband looked terrified.

“This baby’s coming, and you’re going to deliver it.”

His mouth opened.

“Just do what I tell you.”

“Okay.”

Another contraction hit, and I gripped the siderails. I screamed.

The doctor walked in holding up his hands awaiting the nurse to slip on his gloves. He wore Birkenstocks, jeans and an ACDC T-shirt. The nurse tied on his gown. “Hey. I hear we’re having a baby.”

Another contraction had every gaze frozen on me. I was about to insist David hold my leg.

The doctor sat down at the end of the bed.

To my husband’s relief, the doctor wouldn’t allow me to deliver the way I wanted. He made me turn on my back and I pushed the baby out in the next contraction. A healthy baby boy. “Thank you, God.”

But I had never felt so disconnected, frantic, and abandoned by God.

Since then I’ve felt that way to a lesser degree, but because of that experience, I’m able to identify the loneliness and confusion for what it is.

A lie.

God was there with me in that hospital room. Scripture says God will never leave or abandon us.

It was me who couldn’t rise above the pain and meet him. The degree of pain and stress took me off guard. Left me reeling.

Sometimes this world presses so heavy on us that we cannot hear God’s quiet voice telling us to trust Him, to listen, to relax, to let His voice be all we hear, so we can reach that place of peace, of focus.

That same focus Peter had when he walked on water. The second he lost his connection with Jesus, he started to sink.

Now I can feel the unrest building when I focus on things of this world. Something I want or think I need, and how I can achieve it. And soon those discontented, anxious feelings rush back.

Jesus is so far away, I can’t even see Him in the water. I wonder if He’s there. If it was just an aberration I’d seen walking towards me. And I question what I’ve been following.

I blame God, when it’s me who withdrew my focus.

I wish I could tell you the way back is something simple like reading a chapter in the Bible, but I’ve found, depending on how far I’ve drifted, it may take days of spiritual disciplines and soul food to get me centered again. It’s better not to miss days.

Regardless of your reason, if what you’re seeking isn’t Jesus, then it will only lead to unrest in you.

Seek Him first.

Always.

Do you have trouble focusing on Jesus when you’re afraid? How has keeping your eyes on Jesus defeated your fear? Please share!

Photo by Hybrid, Darius Bashar, Danielle MacInnes, and Hunt Han on Unsplash. Original graphics designed by Jerusha Agen.

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Robyn Hook is an award-winning Christian romance writer.

To connect with Robyn, visit her website at www.RobynHook.com or find her on Twitter.

Follow her blog for more real-life inspiration.