In Harm’s Way: Fighting Fear When Tragedy Strikes

Jerusha: I’m delighted to introduce you to my guest, Heather Chapman! Heather is sharing a powerful true story today that I know will impact and encourage you as it did me. Please join me in giving her a big FW community welcome!

By Heather Chapman

Ambulances don’t come like they do in the movies. At least not for me.

I thought they come in and save the day.

I didn’t know that you wait, your heart pounding, as your daughter lies broken on the side of the road.

I didn’t know every second feels like a minute and every minute like an hour. Kneeling beside her hurt body, praying with everything inside of me.

Walking around the quiet cemetery. The rugged looking man standing beside us, hardened by the reality of his job, is staring at me. “Is there a spot you like?”  I feel dizzy. Does it matter?  They are all dead. Dead.

The long line of family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers, coming to hug me and say goodbye to my sweet little girl. Her casket is overflowing with crayon colored pictures and gifts. Our last chance to love on the happy, blond-haired girl who blessed our lives for only eight short years.

The desperate race back to the cemetery at the end of the day. Please don’t put my baby in the ground! Please don’t put her in the ground!

It is done. She is gone.

I’m alone for the first time in weeks. I’m driving, but I can’t remember to where. My husband has been so protective that this is the first time he’s allowed me to go off by myself. The September sun is warm and I’m driving on a winding road beside a river. The sun is reflecting off the water and what should be beautiful is simply not.

For the first time, I scream. “God, you took my daughter!”  The wail comes from deep inside and lasts many seconds longer than it should.

My head is spinning and yet the pain has to escape. It comes out as anger at God. I feel no shame in this. The long, gut-wrenching wails finally end, and I sit in the parked car, trying to breathe.

The loving God I grew up with, the one that saved me from my sins, the one that had guided me for as long as I could remember was now a stranger to me. He had taken my only daughter.

I do not know Him anymore.

To prove this to myself, I begin reciting verses that He had failed to honor. Verses I had once believed.

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. – Psalm 91:11

I used to joke that Rebekah needed two angels because of her adventurous and fearless spirit. Where were those angels the day she died?

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. – Mark 11:24

I always prayed that God would protect my family. I never doubted this. I even believed it while watching the doctors and nurses frantically try to save her life. Her little body struggling. I knew God would save her.

He didn’t.

I remember the first time I understood Christ’s love. I was four years old and looked very much like Rebekah. I was singing Jesus loves me. With all of my four-year-old heart, I believed the words of that song.

Later in life, when life’s struggles became overwhelming, I had gone back to those days and remembered the faith of my childhood. I continued to believe the words of a childhood song.

Do you know what it is like to look at something you have believed in for your entire life and suddenly doubt it?

Faith isn’t faith until it is tried.

Thankfully, the story doesn’t end here. It has been nineteen months since that horrible evening and, while the overwhelming sadness remains a constant struggle, I have learned more about faith and who God is than I ever imagined possible.

God remains through the pain.

There is nothing you can do to separate yourself from God. He remains the same. Always faithful, always present. It is we that become angry or distant. We are the ones that doubt, question, and withdraw.

I can remember multiple times in which I felt that we were surrounded by God’s love and peace. I do not know how we could have possibly survived that degree of pain without it.

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 8:38-39

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. – Deuteronomy 31:6

Death and sorrow, sickness and pain, are a result of a fallen world. God does not promise to keep us from all the horribleness of our fallen state. What He does promise is to remain with us.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you. – Isaiah 43:2

God is faithful even when we cannot see it.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me … – Psalm 23:4a

I always thought this verse meant that God would protect me from evil. I can see now that the valley of the shadow of death is the tragedies we face in life. The times that rejection, grief, depression, fear, and anxiety grip us in their wicked claws.

We don’t have to be afraid, because He is with us. He is not saving us from all evil but surrounding us with His love and walking beside us.

We do not know why things happen the way they do. This world is an ugly place and God says we will have trouble here. But He also promises to use that tragedy for good.

He isn’t in heaven playing some giant game of chess with our lives.  He is guiding us and drawing us close to Himself.

This is where my faith changed.

I had believed in a God Who would keep me from harm rather than a God Who would walk through the inevitable with me. This is a difficult transition because no one wants to believe we are going to suffer. Jesus tried to tell the disciples that He was going to be put to death in Jerusalem, and they didn’t believe Him.

We want to see God as a prosperity-giver Who will give us perfectly safe and happy earthly lives. But our faith must rest in Who He is, not what we expect Him to do for us.

Allow yourself to embrace God’s presence. Allow yourself to trust that no matter what pain is brought your way, you have a God Who walks with you.

Allow your faith to be tested. I promise, He will prove Himself faithful.

Have you experienced tragedy or fear of such happening? How has God helped you through such times? Please share!

Photos by Sharon McCutcheon, Henry Be, Sebastian Molina fotografía, and Bence Balla-Schottner on Unsplash. Original graphics designed by Jerusha Agen.

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Heather Chapman is the author of the blog, Lessons From Home, where she writes about her adventures as a homeschooling mom of five.

A big part of Heather’s blog is writing about the loss of her beautiful 8-year-old daughter and how God is bringing healing and peace to Heather’s family.

Connect with Heather at her blog or on Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.