Goodbye Green: Beating the Fear Behind Your Jealousy

The green-eyed monster struck again. Someone I had known from years ago made it. She got the break I’ve been waiting and working for, and she got the success of my dreams.

I wanted to just be happy for this person. After all, I consider her a friend.

But every time I saw the reminders of her success, I admit that happiness was not the emotion I felt.

Jealousy, instead, took hold of my heart.

I knew I shouldn’t be jealous. After all, jealousy, envy, covetousness—those are all sins. And I knew the reasons I had no business being jealous. God has a different plan and journey for each of us. He is working out His plan for her, and, as Jesus said to Peter when he asked about John, what business is it of mine what God has planned for someone else?

But I also knew the reasons I thought I had to be jealous. If not for my “misfortunes,” for people who had prevented my success at different turns, for delays and wrong turns that were not of my own doing, her success could have been mine.

I could have had her “spot” in a career world where opportunities are measured in terms of openings, spots, and placements. That spot should have been mine.

But, in one of those awesome moments when everything clicks into place and finally breaks through my hardened heart, God opened my eyes to the truth I hadn’t fully understood.

That spot never should have been mine.

I never could have had that spot.

Because that spot was reserved for someone else.

God Himself ordained, before time began, that opportunity for my friend. He created, maintained, and orchestrated the world in ways that would bring her to that spot at the exact moment He planned.

This, my friends, is a life-changing truth to grasp. For me, playing the waiting game in the publishing world as I wait for a spot to open and scramble to snatch it before someone else, this truth will eliminate the jealousy and envy that is a hallmark of my profession.

But everyone struggles with jealousy and envy in all walks of life, because everyone is plagued by the fear that breeds those sins.

Why We’re Jealous

We’ve talked before about how fear leads to anger. That isn’t the only sin fear is responsible for spawning in our hearts and minds. Allowing fear to fester means it will grow, and as this sin grows, it will give root to many other sins. Jealousy and envy, discontentment and resentment are among these.

Do you suffer from social media envy? I’ve heard many people talk about how frustrated Facebook or Instagram makes them because all they see there are images of the perfect lives they wish were their own. They see their friends’ perfect families, beautiful children, career successes, wealth, or even how many more “friends” these other people have.

If you can’t go on vacation or your marriage is bad, if you can’t have children or you’re single and desperately desire marriage—hop onto Facebook, and you can be sure all you’ll see are images and stories of glorious vacations, marriages, pregnancies, and weddings.

But the problem isn’t that people post about their best moments on social media. The problem lies in us, in the discontentment and, yes, fear that such posts from our friends simply reveal.

Jealousy and envy spring from the now-famous “fear-of-missing-out.” I don’t mean that only in the way “FOMO” is often used, to refer to missing out on a fun time somewhere else, but broader than that.

When we see someone who has or newly attains anything we desire, we’re afraid that their gain is our loss. We’re afraid we will never taste what we want because that other person already got it. We fear their success or possession of what we desire will make us miss out on ever attaining it ourselves.

We also often feel that because we were first in line or working the hardest that we should have had our heart’s desire instead of the person who got it instead.

Sometimes, we jump on the jealousy train earlier on in the other person’s journey, as soon as we recognize that he has extra talent, favor, or connections we don’t. We might try to interfere with that person’s success or try to beat him to it. We become envious of every little success that person has along the way and fall into daily worry and stress as we strive to do that something that will enable us to beat him to the desired end.

Often, however it happens, we are prevented from getting what we want—that happy marriage, a nice house, a vacation, or children, etc.—through no fault of our own. Then, when we see others enjoying what we most wanted, resentment burns because we feel that, if those obstacles beyond our control just hadn’t occurred, we, too, would be happy.

We could talk about how such jealousy indicates a problem with where we’re placing our happiness and how we’re measuring success, but that’s not the help I want to point you to today.

I want to bring you back to the realization that changed my world and, I hope, killed off the fear-spawned, green-eyed monster in my life forever.

Why We Can Stop Being Jealous

Whatever it is that you want and are hoping for, if that desire is God’s will for you, then YOU. WILL. GET. IT.

No matter how many thousands or millions of other people seem to get your desire before you do, they have not gotten yours. They have received exactly what God prepared for them and them alone.

So that spot in publishing that I feel I have to race for? It’s not going anywhere. God has it reserved for me and there is no way possible that anyone else can take my spot, no matter how long it takes for me to get there.

Likewise, there is no way possible that I can take anyone else’s spot. So, when you see someone get what you want, even if they seem to beat you to it, you need to fight your fear-of-missing-out by remembering that desire they got was never yours. It was theirs, marked and saved for them by God Himself.

You have nothing to resent and envy, nothing to worry about, nothing to fret over or scramble for. No one is going to get what God has planned, ordained, and set aside especially for you since before the foundation of the world.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. – Jeremiah 29:11

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have what God chose for me than what He chose for someone else. I’m thankful He won’t let us steal something good meant for someone else, and I’m so, so thankful that He won’t let anyone take what He has saved for me.

Of course, it’s possible we won’t get what we desire. But that only means we desired the wrong thing, that our desire fell short and we desired something less than God’s best for us. We need to walk in obedience to God and be prayerfully in the Word to shape our desires to match the Lord’s.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. – Psalm 37:4

I want the best, don’t you? If you’re wanting the best, and that hasn’t happened yet, you can wait without fear of missing anything good. What you do while you’re waiting is important. Emily Conrad shared an encouraging post on this topic that you can read here.

But during the waiting, live in freedom from fear that you will miss out because someone else appears to have what you want.

In reality, you already have what God wants you to have right now. And that big thing you desire most? If it is God’s best for you, then you will have that, too.

No one and nothing can take it from you. God will keep it until He brings you to that gift He has reserved just and only for you.

Do you ever feel jealous of others? How do you battle the fear causing your jealousy? Please share!

Photos by Hal Ozart, Artem Beliaikin @belart84, Pro Church Media, and Andrew Coelho on Unsplash. Original graphics designed by Jerusha Agen.