Conflict Dodger: 4 Steps to Face Conflict without Fear

Conflict. Even the word can make anxiety stir in my belly.

It took me a long time to realize and admit that I fear conflict, probably because I don’t tend to run from conflict when it’s necessary.

But I realized after noting the rapid pace of my pulse, shallowness of breath, and massive doses of adrenaline pumping through my veins during conflict, that I do fear those situations. I also dread conflict in advance of it and experience ongoing stress symptoms that don’t usually dissipate until the conflict is resolved.

I know I’m not alone in this fear. The fear of conflict is common. The only people we generally encounter who don’t fear conflict are folks who seem to create confrontations wherever they can. But these are people who enjoy conflict, usually for unhealthy reasons.

There’s an important difference between enjoying conflict and learning not to fear it. Jesus Himself entered into conflict when He drove the sellers out of the temple. He never shied away from confronting with the truth those who challenged Him or from calling out false teachers in public. And He never hesitated to help someone in need, even when He knew His actions would stir up conflict.

Obviously, Jesus is not guilty of seeking out conflict or relishing it. Just as apparent is the reality that Jesus, harboring no sinful fear, did not fear conflict. So how can we follow Christ’s example?

Here are four steps that should help:

4 STEPS TO FACE CONFLICT WITHOUT FEAR

1. Diagnose the Fear

As with any of our fears, diagnosis of their root causes is key. When you are not in a situation of conflict, take time to examine when you were and think about why you felt fear. Unpack why you are afraid of encountering conflict again.

Are you a people-pleaser, wanting everyone to like you? Are you afraid you won’t win the argument that might arise, and you’ll look bad to others? Are you afraid of the consequences that might result from the conflict? Are you afraid the other person won’t agree with you and right won’t win out? Are you afraid you’ll get hurt?

Whatever the root of your fear, God has an answer and cure for it in His Word. (And many of our posts here at the FW Blog point you to those answers! Type in the root of your fear in the Search box and check out the posts that come up for that topic.)

Search me, O God, and know my heart!

    Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

    and lead me in the way everlasting!

– Psalm 139:23-24

2. Stand for Right

We don’t want to be people who have a sinful and unhealthy enjoyment of conflict and confrontation. But we do need to be those who will stand up for right, no matter the consequences.

Too many times, I have seen people go through amazing mental contortions to deny or distort the truth, deceive themselves and others, or to run away—all to avoid the potential conflict that terrifies them. Even people I never thought would sacrifice truth and right to avoid conflict have surprised me by doing just that.

Jesus never sacrificed doing the right thing to avoid conflict. Neither did the Apostles. And neither should we.

To make sure you’re in a situation that requires you to face conflict, doublecheck that the action that could cause conflict is right in God’s eyes. If needed, take time to read the Word and seek counsel from Christian advisors. But do not let yourself fall for anyone’s persuasion that you shouldn’t take action because you might offend someone or rock the boat.

Most of all, don’t let yourself fall for your own efforts to avoid the conflict, to convince yourself the action isn’t necessary because of your fear.

If the conflict-spawning action is right, then you can set your fears aside as you trust God to defend the righteous and to use your obedience for good.

If the action is right, do it.

Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. – Ephesians 6:13

3. Define Your Purpose

Ask yourself if the conflict you’re about to face is for you or someone else. If you’re entering into conflict to defend yourself out of pride, to confront someone in anger, or perhaps to beat another person or humiliate them, that conflict is purely about you. Using conflict as a tool to gain some satisfaction for yourself is a sign you’re not following step 2, above.

A self-focused motivation also could explain why you’re so afraid of the conflict. If it’s all about you, more fear will flare up because you have much at stake.

Instead, make sure you’re only entering the conflict for God, to aid others, to defend or share the truth, etc. Your motivation and purpose should be all about God, right, and others—never about you.

If you know your motivation and purpose are in the right place, you can face the conflict without fear, knowing God is on your side and will reward you for sacrificing your own interests for a greater purpose.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. – Philippians 2:3-4

4. Trust the Results

At this point you know the root of your fear and you’re working on eradicating that. You’re armed with the knowledge that entering or risking the conflict is right and for a greater purpose beyond yourself. But what if conflict occurs, it’s awful, and the results you’d aimed for don’t happen in the end?

The fear that the results of facing conflict will not make the difficult experience worthwhile could still make you want to run the other way.

But in actuality, that fear is screaming out our lack of faith in the God we say we trust. God is always the one in charge of the results in any situation. We cannot control others or the future. We can’t foresee the future either.

There are a couple of comforts in these realities. First, the results may be a lot better than you think they are because God can see and is in full control of the future. You might not see the results you hoped for right away, but they could still happen down the road or in hearts you can’t see.

Second, because we can’t control others or the future, we don’t need to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. Getting results out of the conflict-ridden situation is not up to us! If we mess up, say the wrong thing, or even get angry and selfish as we shouldn’t, God will bring about the results He intends. That’s guaranteed.

So say goodbye to your fear that, in the end, facing conflict will bring about only bad results. In God’s world, there are only good results in the end.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

FEARLESS CONFLICT

The next time you find yourself tensing at signs conflict is ahead or when you’re tempted to avoid or ignore what you should do because you’re afraid, stop and review these four steps.

By the time you’re through the steps and the biblical truths behind them, the Lord just might have prepared you to face that conflict and accomplish His good purpose without fear.

Are you afraid of conflict? Do you avoid conflict or have you learned to face conflict without fear? Please share!

Photos by Alexandra Gorn, Caleb Woods, Philippe Bourhis, and Julentto Photography on Unsplash. Original graphics designed by Jerusha Agen.